Newscast Media HOUSTON, Texas—One of the most valuable qualities a person can possess is the ability to understand and get along with people. Regardless what one’s profession may be, one will always have to interact with other people either privately of publicly, yet few people invest in acquiring skills that will enable them to effectively engage in fruitful interactions with others.
I was reading an article this morning that claimed to teach people how to be genuine. It is impossible to teach someone how to be genuine. Either people are genuine, or they are not. There is no in-between —just like a woman cannot be a little bit pregnant. Either she is, or she’s not.
Dale Carnegie said, “Everybody in the world is seeking happiness—and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy.
It is what you think about it. For example, two people may be in the same place, doing the same thing; both may have about an equal amount of money and prestige —and yet one may be miserable and the other happy. Why? Because of a different mental attitude.”
In a sense Carnegie is talking about the authentic self. It also has to do with putting purpose behind one’s actions and having the right motive for doing something. It is the purity of intention that makes people genuine because the actions do not seem contrived.
Authenticity is sub-communicated. The hallmark of authenticity is being honest with a person’s self. This means deeply examining and taking an inventory of ourselves—something that’s too uncomfortable for many. When we dislike who we are at the core, it is impossible to examine ourselves out of fear of shattering our false personae. We are then forced to wear masks and masquerade through life hiding from
the true selves we are unwilling to confront. We find the truth about ourselves to be nauseating, because of the deeply-seated insecurities that plague our beings. Yet behind all the facade is the desire to feel worthwhile or important, and to a small extent to be likeable.
Some might use social status, material wealth or other superficial means to be validated by others, but this generates an unhealthy outlook within the one seeking acceptance or the need to fit in. It is dependent upon what others think about you instead of how you view yourself.
When I was eight years old in third grade, after our mid-terms we received our grades in science class. I was new at the school, and most of the kids were bright. The teacher always had a habit of calling out our names, and reading the grades in front of the class. When my turn came, he called my name and read my grade, which was an average grade. He then said to me, “Why can’t you be intelligent like your father?”
He then rudely handed me my paper and I went back and took my seat. At the end of the semester, the teacher gave my parents the report card and said, “You have a clever son…but you need to scare him a little to make him more talkative.”
The teacher was surprised that I and two other pupils had tied with the highest grade. I did not let him define me, because at an early age I knew who I was. I also did not raise my hand in class so he assumed I did not know the answers—but when I got the highest grade, he rationalized by once again assuming I was quiet, and needed to be more talkative. Most people who are not good at certain subjects are the way they are because perhaps they believed a teacher or parent who told them they would never be good at that subject. They allowed someone else to define them, and those are the types of people, who as adults, tend to seek validation and the to be accepted. They are afraid to blaze their own trails and instead run with the crowd.
We are all endowed with unique abilities. You are never as good as people say you are, but at the same time, you are never as bad as people would like you to believe. The unique quality I discovered about myself at the age of eight was the ability to recall things in detail. I am still greatly benefiting from this as an adult, especially in recalling specific dates and events. I discovered I could quote entire lectures or paragraphs from textbooks after reading them once or twice. I still took notes so as not to offend my teachers.
True authenticity does not need validation, status or fancy material things. One does not need to learn how to be popular or likeable. Authentic people do things with the right intention, rather than with good intentions. They add value to other people’s lives, instead of being takers. They are whole because they’ve learned to embrace who they truly are, and are in harmony with their very essence and the underlying reason they exist.
Newscst Media — This is the last installment of the male-female relationship series that I have written about in the past week. It is in response to the e-mails I have received asking me to elaborate a little more on some of the areas I mentioned, that I seemed to gloss over. One of the areas I was asked to shed some more light on has to do with qualities that attract men and women to each other.
Men are attracted to women based on certain physical qualities such as the eyes, the smoothness of the skin, and the waist-to-hip ratio. All these qualities symbolize fertility. In regard to the eyes, women understand very well that eyes play a major factor in attracting men, that’s why they wear makeup such as eyeliner, mascara and eye-shadow to enhance their eyes. A low waist-to-hip ratio in which the waist is narrower than the hips is also preferable to men.
Women consider certain physical qualities when choosing a mate, the most important one being facial symmetry. Men who are proportional tend to find it easier to attract women than men who are asymmetrical. Society also emphasizes the importance of looks, and rewards people (men and women) for their good looks.
Studies have shown that attractive people are paid more money at work than average-looking people. Over their lifetime, handsome men make $250,000 more than average-looking men doing the same job. Beautiful people are also stereotyped as being intelligent, honest and helpful, while unattractive people are viewed as rude and unfair. Infants also stare longer at beautiful faces than they do unattractive faces. When it comes to the legal world, juries tend to find attractive witnesses more credible, and are also lenient toward attractive defendants.
A study done by the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis, and published by CNN Money supports the above-mentioned observation, finding that beautiful people tend to earn 5 percent more an hour than their less attractive colleagues.
Across the pond, in England, the UK Independent published yet another study confirming the reality that people with good looks make more money and tend to be more successful.
Work strategist Catherine Kaputa said, “Good looks have what social scientists call the halo effect. Because someone is attractive, we assign many other positive attributes to him or her that have nothing to do with looks.”
She also gives people a five-point plan for salvaging their looks and achieving success in this article.
Even though younger women tend to consider physical attraction a factor in choosing a mate, older women tend to seek stability and security in men.
Cause and effect
In pursuing relationships, the most fulfilling ones are those with people who are authentic. Authentic people are extremely hard to come across, because most people wear masks and put their best foot forward. Others have a sense of self-importance to them that is pretentious. When one is around someone authentic, one doesn’t have to second-guess that person. An authentic person genuinely enjoys being around other people and makes them feel relaxed. One does not have to be defensive around someone authentic, because an authentic person genuinely cares and has a passion for other people.
People who lead authentic lives have a certain aura around them. Some might refer to it as positive energy. My generation would refer to it as a “good vibe.” The word vibe is short for vibration. The human body has a magnetic field, or a field of energy around it, and its particles are in constant vibration. That explains why a dog can easily sense when a person is scared of it, the reason being, the field of energy around that person is in disarray. There are people who can make one feel uneasy because those people have what would be referred to as a “negative vibe” in other words, they emit negative energy, while others can make one feel comfortable because they emit positive vibes. Women, especially mothers, are particularly good at picking up on these vibes. It is not unusual to hear a woman say, “I walked into such and such a building and immediately felt such and such a vibe.”
Life is governed by certain laws, for example, the law of cause and effect states that if in our experience, one event always precedes the occurrence of another event, we tend to believe that the former is the cause of the latter. Such as, when we see lightning, we consequently think of thunder. The law of promotion states that you can only be promoted by someone whose instructions you follow. Likewise, the law of attraction states, you attract who you are. As such, only authentic people can attract other authentic people in their lives. It is important for one to work on being authentic, before one can expect to enjoy authentic friendships or relationships.
Men do the picking women do the choosing
I can’t stress enough how important it is for a man to let the woman choose him. Even though a man picks a woman he is attracted to, ultimately it is the woman who chooses if she will let him into her world. I mentioned earlier that alpha males never hit on women and always wait for a woman to give the green light or indicators of interest. Alphas understand something that beta males don’t understand. When an alpha spots a woman he is attracted to, he usually looks for cues or signs before he makes his approach. All he needs is a hint from her, thereafter he approaches, makes his presentation, then leaves. Alphas aren’t clingy or needy. After making their presentation, alpha males know that the ball is now in the woman’s court.
Some men just don’t get this. They might pressure or pester a woman for a date, and indeed, she might go out on a date because she feels pressured, but rarely will he hear from her again. However, when a woman chooses a man, she makes it easy for him to have access to her. He doesn’t have to impress her with expensive gifts or take her to fancy restaurants to get her attention.
When a woman chooses a man, even a picnic at the park is enough to make her happy. She’s unimpressed with a man’s accomplishments or possessions. She’s more interested in being in his presence and getting to know him on a substantive level. A woman who chooses a man is extremely loyal to him, while a woman who has been pressured into a relationship by a man, will constantly flake on him.
When a woman chooses a man, it is almost impossible for her to break up with him because she is emotionally invested into the relationship. As I mentioned earlier, women screen men before letting them into their lives. That’s the reason why women tend to involve their friends to assist them in the screening process of men.
The reality principle
It is also important to understand the culture from which a woman comes, because different women from different cultures respond differently. What a woman says she wants, is different from what she responds to. I am fortunate to have had the opportunity of living on three continents at various points in my life, so I was able to learn about women from different cultures. The way you approach a woman from Africa is different from the way you approach a woman from Europe or Asia or America. It is the reason I emphasize on allowing the women to choose you because the reality is that in some cultures, women tend to be more reserved, so it takes a while for them to warm up to someone new.
In America, it is totally different. The women are naturally social and outgoing. In the UK it is considered rude to engage someone in a conversation, when you do not know that person. For example, if someone is minding his or her own business on a train or at an airport, the cultural norm is to leave that person alone. That doesn’t happen in America. It is the only place in the world where you do not have to know someone’s name and can be a total stranger, and have a one hour conversation with another total stranger, and observers would think the two individuals had known each other their whole lives. It happens everywhere in airports, sporting events or other community and social events. It’s no big deal in America when a stranger taps another stranger on the shoulder and asks, “Who won the big game last night.” That question alone can lead to various threads of conversation.
In Texas, especially, people are very conversational. Texas is a whole different country, that’s why people from Texas consider themselves Texans first, then Americans second. Texas is one of the best places for anyone to develop conversational or social skills, because the social dynamics are conducive for that.
I happen to have five sisters, and having five sisters is like being raised by six mothers. Having that many women around afforded me the ability to study women in different settings.
The greatest satisfaction reported in relationships comes from those in which the women were low maintenance. Letting a woman do the choosing eliminates a man’s need to out-do himself, because the woman accepts him with or without the finer things in life. Stay away from high maintenance women, you’ll never know why they are in a relationship with you, and will spend the entire relationship asking yourself the question, “What if…?”
One of the readers of my articles wanted to know if I could make my research available, however, throughout my years in college, I did over 50 different kinds of research and it would be too much for the reader to absorb. I will, however, make available an original rough draft of one of my pieces of research, that even has my college professor’s critique. Before delving into a full-blown research study with 100 pages, students were required to submit a rough draft to the professor. This rough draft also constituted 25 percent of the final grade. It gave the college professor a peek into the topic being researched.
My Psych professors always critiqued me for my formatting, because I was also double-majoring in Journalism, and both vocations have different writing styles. In Psychology I constantly had to remind myself to write like a Scientist, then in my Journalism classes, I had to de-program and then re-program myself to write like a Journalist.
Categories: News Tags: attractive people make more money, authentic friends, authentic marriages, authentic people, authentic relationships, beautiful people earn more money, cause and effect, how to be authentic, relationship dynamics, social dynamics, the pleasure principle, the reality principle, women do the choosing